When One Steps Out and One Steps In

Why couples end up doing the emotional Hokey Cokey

Most of the time when couples hit problems it is not because of the big dramatic moments that everyone assumes are the main causes of relationship stress. It is usually the tiny shifts in the room that tell you something has changed. One person becomes quiet or steps back a little, the other person senses that something feels off and steps forward even more, and before you know it you have slipped into a pattern that neither of you saw coming. It is a bit like an emotional version of the Hokey Cokey where one of you leans out and the other leans in and you end up doing a dance that leaves both of you wondering how you even got there in the first place.

In GYGO terms this is one of the most common combinations we see. There is often one partner who protects themselves by shutting down when emotions rise because silence feels safer than saying something they might regret or getting it wrong. Then there is the other partner who feels that drop in energy like a punch in the chest and scrambles to hold everything together by filling the space with reassurance or distraction or positivity. It is so easy to take this personally and start thinking your partner does not care or that you are overreacting, but once you understand what shapes tend to do under pressure it becomes a lot easier to see what is actually happening rather than what you imagine is happening.

This pattern does not start because either person wants an argument or wants to make things worse. It comes from instinct. Some people need time to settle their thoughts before they can speak. Others cannot bear the feeling of emotional distance and try to fix it before they understand what it even is. One person feels safer stepping back. The other feels safer stepping in. That is why couples who love each other can still end up missing each other by a mile even when they are sitting in the same room.

GYGO gives you a different way of looking at this. Instead of seeing it as stubbornness or moodiness or neediness, you begin to see it as a mismatch in coping strategies. Once you understand your shape and your partner’s shape you can spot the moment when the emotional Hokey Cokey starts, and you can stop the two of you spiralling into your usual positions. It is not about changing who you are. It is about understanding why you react the way you do and how the two of you can meet in the middle without either person feeling uncomfortable or unheard.

If you want to reduce arguments, improve communication and stop these little emotional dances from turning into proper rows, understanding this pattern is one of the best places to start.

What This Looks Like in Real Life

Squares stepping out

Squares often step back not because they are fed up but because they are working through things in their head and want to avoid saying the wrong thing. They can sit in silence replaying conversations, trying to find the exact right way to phrase something or simply needing space to calm their thoughts before they speak. From the outside it can look cold or moody, but inside they are usually anxious about creating more tension.

A Square under pressure often thinks, “I will just keep quiet then I won’t make anything worse.”

When you don’t understand this, their silence can feel like rejection.
When you do understand it, their silence looks more like a coping strategy and there is no need for it to be taken personally.

Hearts and Diamonds stepping in

Hearts sense emotional disconnection within seconds and feel a deep need to  make everything ok again. They worry that silence means something is wrong and they jump straight into soothing, talking, overexplaining or trying to reassure everyone. They are not trying to control the situation; they are simply trying to bring the relationship back to safety as quickly as possible.

Diamonds step in with positivity. They change the subject, crack jokes, distract, lighten the mood, anything to make things feel less heavy. They often do this because they cannot bear the tension of silence, or they do not have the patience to sit in a difficult moment.

Neither partner is wrong. They are just reacting from their shape.

How to Meet in the Middle

Here are a few ideas that help couples pause the dance before it turns into a misunderstanding.

If you are the one who steps out

You do not need a long speech. One simple sentence can make an enormous difference because it stops your partner imagining a hundred things that are not true.

Try something like:
“I am overwhelmed, and I just need a little bit of time. I am not ignoring you.”

It is short, clear and gives the other person safety.

If you are the one who steps in

Your instinct will be to jump forward and repair the atmosphere, but holding back slightly and letting the space settle is often the kindest thing you can do.

Try something like:
“Okay. Take the time you need. I am here when you are ready.”

It keeps the connection without overwhelming the other person even more.

Set a point to reconnect

This stops the silence from dragging on and stops the fixer from panicking.

You can simply say, “Let’s talk after dinner,” or “Give me twenty minutes and then I’ll be back.”

It gives both people structure and reassurance.

If This Feels Like Your Relationship

If you are reading this and recognising yourself or your partner, then this is exactly the kind of dynamic we unpack properly in our GYGO Relationship Course and at our workshops. We teach you how each shape communicates, how they react under stress and how to use simple tools that genuinely make day to day communication easier.

You are welcome to explore any of the options and see what feels right for you:

• The GYGO Relationship Course
• Our monthly workshops
• The Who Am I course
• Or join us at one of our retreats if you want to go deeper in person

You do not need to change who you are to make your relationship work. You just need to understand the patterns you are both stuck in and learn how to meet each other in a way that feels natural and safe for you both.